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A fellow at a gas station once uttered something extremely horrible to me. However he quickly added with one of the most heartfelt apologies I’ve once experienced. This was at a motorway rest area years ago. I’d just pulled up by the fuel dispenser. Noticing me, he tapped on the side window, and as I rolled it down he stuck his head in and uttered a crude remark. Some might call it teasing, I suppose, but it was nonetheless disgusting. My two young children were in the back, staring in surprise. Distressed rather than furious, I exited the car, filled up and headed inside to pay, and discovered him standing near the car as I came back. He placed his hand on my upper back and stated, “My apologies friend. I had no idea you had your kids in the car. I apologise for that.” It was something about the last four words which made the difference, somehow providing just the right degree of sincerity.

New Findings on Apologies

I wasn’t particularly pleased to have such a memory stirred this week when I came across a research paper, shared by the British Psychological Society, on how the length of the words you use when you express remorse are significant in conveying your genuineness. Apologies always fascinate me because, as far as I can see, without remorse on one side and pardon on the other, relationships break down.

At middle school I had a science teacher who talked about the idea of decomposition. He mentioned if leaves didn’t decompose, we’d be knee-deep in them. I believe similarly about saying sorry – if they’re not made and received, we could end up overwhelmed in negativity. Thus, I’m one of those people whose resentment and letdown about something a person’s actions will typically disappear the moment an apology is offered. I’m unsure whether this makes me a forgiving individual, or somewhat shallow. On the other hand, if I’m the one doing the apologising, and the "sorry" gets rejected, I get extremely frustrated and let down indeed, which isn’t really cricket either.

Bigger Vocabulary and Sincerity

The study, which focused on written rather than oral sorries, concludes that people who use longer words in their apologies are tend to express sincerity. So, saying you’re “deeply” sorry is preferable than “really” sorry. Apparently the “greater production effort” required in saying those additional sounds can create a small difference. By this measure, the French speakers are way ahead of us. They genuinely put effort into their "désolé"s. When the French term for a basic “I am sorry” is something as theatrical and rather beautiful as “I am desolate”, you wonder how they escalate. What do you say if you feel exceeding merely regretful about the thing you’re expressing regret over? An acquaintance in the French capital mentioned he’d go for “Je vous prie d’accepter mes excuses les plus sincères”, that is, “I beg you to receive my most sincere apologies”. That is what I call a production effort. Alright, anyway, chill out, all is well, no problem.

Brevity Works

Be it in person or on the page, I believe less is more. Just “sorry” will work. “I am sorry”, if you prefer. And fine, if you’ve really done me over you can include a truly, a sincerely, or even an profoundly. If you go further and I could think you have wronged me worse than I realised.

I should say that, like many research studies, a great deal of the language in which the paper is written is quite over my head. For example, something called iconicity keeps coming up. My dictionary contains a large number of words explained in my Chambers dictionary, and that particular term doesn’t appear. Still, I persevered nonetheless and trust I’ve got the gist the research through correctly. In case I erred, it's possible the lead researcher, expert in thought processes at Royal Holloway, University of London, could get in touch so I can say sorry to her at however elaborate she wishes.